The Quiet Weight of Self-Blame
Self-blame after relational betrayal is a common response. When faced with our spouse’s deceit, we ask the same questions. What did I miss? Was I not enough? Could I have done things differently? Interestingly, those questions arise from our need to find control. Michelle Mays, author of The Betrayal Bind, explains it this way: “The deep fear that you have caused the betrayal is tied very closely to your hope that you can control the betrayal.”
A few days after discovery, I became overwhelmed with the idea that I could have prevented the deception. That maybe it was my fault my marriage was imploding. After all, there had to be a reason for his choices. The weight of self-blame crushed me, flooding my cheeks with tears and my mind with “if onlys.” If only I was prettier, skinnier, sexier, or happier. If only I wasn’t too much. Or was I too little? Every question I wrestled with that day was simply an attempt to find a reason, so I could fix it. It was quite a while before I could accept that betrayal is a choice made by the betrayer.
Separating Your Responsibility from Your Spouse’s Betrayal
After betrayal, many women instinctively take on responsibility that does not belong to them. This often happens because marriage does involve shared effort, growth, and communication. But there is a critical difference between marital responsibility and moral responsibility—and confusing the two fuels unnecessary shame. For Christian women this line can be blurred by unbiblical teachings she has consciously and subconsciously accepted.
Marital responsibility belongs to both spouses, and refers to relational dynamics such as communication patterns, emotional availability, conflict resolution, personal growth, and connection. Of course, all marriages have strengths and weaknesses, but a negative assessment in any one area should inspire growth, not self-blame or deceptive choices.
On the other hand, moral responsibility belongs solely to the one who choses deception and betrayal. A revelation of this truth became very clear as I wrote my impact letter. (Such letters are a healing step in the Full Therapeutic Disclosure Process.) I realized that every betrayal disclosed was my husband’s choice, and he repeatedly chose himself. Never once did he ask for help, so with every unfaithful choice, the betrayal deepened.
It’s vital to know that the betrayer’s choices are individual decisions, not relational outcomes. No amount of marital struggle removes personal accountability for sin or harm. Each partner has a responsibility for truth, and no unmet need justifies betrayal. All marriages – including each individual partner separately – have room for growth, but one partner does not cause the other’s betrayal.
Ultimately, accountability must rest where the choice was made. When this happens, healing deepens and responsibility is returned to its rightful place – a place where God’s truth creates freedom where shame once lived.