I want to start off by saying that your friendship is so important to me. You mean so much to me and my family. We have shared many memories and laughter together. I treasure you.
Because I value our friendship, I wanted to share some of my needs as I am navigating through this new nightmare in my marriage. Nightmare may sound like a dramatic word choice but when I awake each morning, I’m certain it’s all a nightmare. I keep hoping I’ll awake and this will have only been a bad dream, but then I realize I am awake and this is my reality at this time.
I want to be gentle and kind in my words, but I also want to be honest and real. Forgive me if my pain seeps into this letter. My world is spinning. I’m uncertain who is safe and who is not. And I promise friend, I want to believe you are safe but I’m not completely sure of anything these days.
When we met at the coffee shop today, you said, “Let me know if you need anything.”
Inside my heart I shouted, “I need a redo. I need this to vanish and never come back. I need a heart transplant because the one inside my chest is shattered into a million pieces.” But I know you aren’t capable of tending to any of those needs. There is no redo and only Jesus can heal my heart.
Maybe it would be helpful for me to let you in to see what I’m facing and how it’s unfolding every day. Perhaps this is too much. Goodness, I don’t want to be “too much” for one more person. But I want to be honest. Honesty is SUPER important to me these days. After losing all sense of honesty in my marriage I find myself really needing everyone around me super honest with me and I’m a little too honest with most of them. I should probably apologize to that store clerk from yesterday. But I didn’t know how to answer the question “how are you today” when she asked, so I was honest.
Friend, I know you desire to be a good friend in this season and you are probably at a complete loss. After all, you have never experienced something like this.
I feel completely alone most moments in my day. I walk the hallways at church, work and life with a face that is not mine. It doesn’t reflect the reality on the inside. I’m broken, hopeless, and drowning in the tsunami of emotions that hit me every 5-7 minutes. I feel like I have something gagging me on the inside. I can’t utter a word to anyone. There is so much fear and confusion. My husband is a good man, he is kind. Most people probably wouldn’t even believe me if I told them. Others would immediately judge him and think he is a pervert or question why I am still with him. I wrestle with all these thoughts. It’s so hard when the world outside is pressing up against the wobbly world inside of me.
I struggle to have clear thoughts and stay on task. My mind is always racing and I am exhausted. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is hitting me from all places. I’m barely sleeping. I am close to running out of tears, I have cried so many in the quiet of my shower. My mind never stops and I’m wrestling to see God’s goodness in any of this.
I’m struggling to make it through basic tasks, and when I am able to complete the everyday necessities, I am wiped out and just want to lay in my bed. I’m not depressed…or am I? I’m trying…or maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I don’t trust myself anymore, and I’m really struggling to trust that God is taking care of me in all of this.
So friend, what can you do? What can you offer? What do I need? I can’t say I really even know all of my needs.
Perhaps I could use help with completely basic tasks like dinner for my family. I could use help with kids while we try and pick up these pieces in counseling or over really hard dinner conversations. I could use a surprise visit that lets me take a break and be with my thoughts for an hour in a quiet place while someone else handles the needs of life. Or even something as simple as showing love and concern with an unexpected hug or phone call, a listening ear, or a text that just reminds me that someone cares and is praying for me. Prayer. I really need prayer.
But here is the reality… I won’t ask for these things. I don’t know how and I don’t really know I need any of it. From what I have been told he needs to be in support groups, have an accountability partner, and/or maybe do some counseling. Once those things are done, I hope we will be good and that he will walk away from this sin. But I don’t know what to do with me in the meantime. Please pray I will look to Jesus and rely on Him to steady me, to comfort me, to hold me up in all this. My world has been shattered and Jesus and I are working on putting the pieces back together while he is working on his part.
I’m thankful you are my friend. I’m not sure how great of a friend I will be for a while. But I promise I will try when I can. I’m thankful for your grace and love.
Love,
Your Hurting Friend