Forgiveness can feel overwhelming—especially after deep betrayal or prolonged and repeated hurt. Many people assume forgiveness means instantly releasing pain, restoring relationships, or pretending the past never happened. Remember when you were little, and a parent acted as if “say your sorry and hug” erased everything? Maybe it could for a stolen toy, but not for a destroyed heart.
Biblical forgiveness is rarely instantaneous. It is a journey. The good news is that you do not have to leap into forgiveness all at once. Sometimes beginning the process simply means dipping your toes into the river of forgiveness and trusting God to guide you deeper over time.
Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Single Moment
Forgiveness is often portrayed as a one-time decision, but for many people it unfolds gradually. Pain, grief, anger, and confusion do not disappear overnight. Instead, forgiveness begins with willingness—the small step of saying, “God, I want to want to forgive.”
Think of forgiveness like standing at the edge of a river. You do not have to dive in immediately, letting it soak you. All that is asked at first is stepping into the water. When we take that first step of openness, God faithfully meets us there and slowly helps us move deeper into healing.
My journey has taught me to step into forgiveness again and again – when triggers arise, when thoughts taunt, when grief hits. Is that what Jesus might have meant in his conversation with Peter in Matthew 18?
“At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, ‘Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?’
Jesus replied, ‘Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.'”
Jesus wasn’t far off on the number at least where I’m concerned.
What Forgiveness Does NOT Mean
One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is misunderstanding what it actually requires. Forgiveness does not mean returning to an unsafe or harmful relationship. Healthy boundaries and forgiveness can coexist.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. God gave us memory and wisdom to recognize harm and protect ourselves.
Forgiveness also does not automatically restore trust. Trust is rebuilt through consistent change and accountability over time. In fact, forgiveness often occurs internally long before relational restoration is even possible. Letting go of bitterness does not erase the reality of what happened—it simply releases the burden of carrying it alone.
What Forgiveness Does Mean
Forgiveness does mean reaching a place where we release our demand for personal vindication. This is often the hardest step. It means becoming willing to live with the reality that equal consequences, revenge, or visible justice may never come in the way we expect. Instead, we entrust the outcome to God. Scripture reminds us that God is the one who ultimately fights for us and establishes justice: “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still” (Exodus 14:14). When we release the role of judge, we stop carrying a weight we were never meant to hold.
The Hidden Root of Unforgiveness: Control
Often, unforgiveness grows from a place of helplessness. When someone has deeply wounded us, we may feel powerless, afraid, or angry. Holding onto resentment can feel like the only way to maintain some control over the situation. But the truth is that unforgiveness keeps us tethered to the very pain we want to escape. We can take comfort in the truth that God sees injustice and will act in His timing and wisdom.
“God says, ‘At the time I have planned, I will bring justice against the wicked. When the earth quakes and its people live in turmoil, I am the one who keeps its foundations firm. Our responsibility is not to control the outcome but to entrust it to Him” (Psalm 75:2-3).
Healing Comes Through Trusting God with Our Story
In her book God Knows, author Lisa Whittle writes:
“The best way to seek vindication is to let God, who is fully aware of the situation, heal you from it. His healing will be more thorough because He knows what you know and more. In this relationship of intimacy, your pain lessens as your relationship of trust with Jesus grows.”
God understands every detail of our story. He sees the wounds others cannot see and offers healing deeper than vindication and unforgiveness could ever provide.
Just Take the First Step
Forgiveness rarely begins with certainty. It begins with willingness. Today, you do not have to wade into the entire river. Simply place one foot in and invite God to walk with you. Over time, He will lead you deeper into freedom.