Returning Responsibility to Its Rightful Place
I remember sitting at my kitchen table weeks after discovery day, replaying moments of my married life. We weren’t big fighters; in fact, we were best friends. How could this have happened? I told myself I was “processing,” but if I was honest, I was searching for proof that this was somehow my fault.
That’s how self-blame works. It disguises itself as reflection.
Reducing self-blame isn’t about denying growth. It’s about returning responsibility to its rightful place.
Practical Ways to Reduce Self-Blame
Knowing you aren’t responsible for someone else’s betrayal is a powerful truth—but it often takes practice to live like it’s true. The following simple steps are gentle, repeatable ways to quiet self-blame and return responsibility to where it belongs. You don’t have to master them overnight—just begin.
1. Name the Self-Blaming Thought
The first step is simple but powerful: notice it. One afternoon, mid-spiral, I caught myself thinking, If I had been more emotionally stable, maybe he wouldn’t have made those choices. Instead of following the thought, I paused and said quietly, “I’m blaming myself right now.” That sentence alone created space. Awareness without judgment interrupts shame. You are not weak for having the thought. You are human.
2. Replace It with Truth
Once the thought is named, gently introduce truth. Not harsh correction. Not spiritual bypassing. Just steady truth. “I did not choose this” or “his actions were his responsibility.” Add a reinforcing scripture to continue transforming your mind back to God’s truth. At first, those statements may feel mechanical. That’s okay. Truth often feels unfamiliar when shame has been loud for a long time.
3. Externalize Responsibility
One exercise I often suggest is physically writing two columns:
- What belongs to me
- What does not belong to me
Under “belongs to me,” you might write: my healing, my boundaries, my growth. Under “does not belong to me”: his deception, his secrecy, his choices. Seeing it on paper can be grounding. It reinforces that guilt and shame are not interchangeable with responsibility. Healthy boundaries aren’t just relational—they’re emotional.
4. Invite God into the Reframing
There were nights I simply prayed, “God, I give back what isn’t mine.” No eloquent words. Just release. Romans 8:38–39 reminds us that nothing—neither trouble nor distress nor anything else in all creation—can separate us from the love of God. Betrayal doesn’t outrank His presence. Shame doesn’t cancel His affection. Confusion doesn’t disqualify you. You are not spiritually distant because you were wounded.
Returning Responsibility
Releasing self-blame is rarely a one-time decision. It’s a practice. Some days you will feel strong and clear. Other days the old narrative will resurface. Be gentle with yourself. Healing deepens when responsibility is returned to where it belongs—and you are free to lay it down. Not because the pain wasn’t real. But because you no longer have to carry what was never yours to hold. And that is where safety begins.
Grab our free From Shame to Truth digital resource to help you on this journey.
Wanna go deeper? Check out the 7-Day Devotional: Returning Responsibility and Releasing Self-Blame