My heart was full of joy as I rested on the swing in the quiet, serene setting of our porch overlooking the trees below. My husband sat next to me. I texted, laughing with a friend about her burnt dinner through “LOLs” and smiley emojis. One moment there was bliss, but I had no idea my world was about to come crashing down.
It was the day before our 20th wedding anniversary. Earlier that year, we had taken a trip to celebrate and it was wonderful. The next minute would change everything about how I saw my husband, our 20 years together, our marriage and my life.
He turned to me and said, “I need to talk to you about something important.” The seriousness in his voice alarmed me. It was then he explained to me that for over 20 years, he had been addicted to pornography and mentally undressing women with his eyes. He had a sexual addiction and I had been oblivious. For over 20 years, I had no idea. None. I thought we had an amazing marriage, one that others may even have been envious of, even though that was never our goal. It seemed he adored me and that adoration fed a deep need inside of me to feel loved and cherished.
At the moment of this reveal, I must admit I handled it extremely well. The shock of it numbed my emotions. I wasn’t sure what any of this meant. However, the next day my emotions caught up with my brain, and I began to comprehend and process what this meant.
It meant for twenty years, my adoring husband had been unfaithful to me in his thoughts and actions. It meant that my whole world and everything I thought was true was actually not true. It meant that my husband, my best friend, the one who I thought would always protect me and that I was safe with, was not protecting me. He felt more like an enemy than a friend, and he did not safe.
Feeling like my world has just been completely shaken is the best way to describe how it felt to find out my husband had a sexual addiction. I felt like I was falling and I couldn’t get my footing. Like I was drowning, thrashing about in a sea of pain. Because of this feeling, I began grabbing onto things, anything that felt like a lifeline and anything that felt like it might be safe. I grabbed on to people, hoping they could save me and fill that void. That deep longing to be loved and valued. But when a drowning person grabs onto another person, they often drown that person with them. And if not, that person has to swim away in order to save themselves. This, of course, feels like more rejection.
It is difficult to describe this type of pain, and for someone who has never experienced this kind of betrayal, it may not even make sense. But it is a deep pain, nonetheless.
What I realized through my healing process through Hope Redefined and Redeemed Hope was that I had a deep fear of rejection from my past along with many insecurities. My husband was a strong source of security for me. When he became unsafe for me, that security was gone. I realized how much I depended on him for security, when in truth, the only One I should depend on for my security is Jesus. That’s all. Jesus should be it. No person is able to hold us up. No person was ever meant to carry that weight and keep us anchored and secure.
Jesus is meant to be our anchor keeping us securely grounded in love, value, and acceptance.
A boat has an anchor to keep it securely fastened to the ground. Jesus is meant to be our anchor keeping us securely grounded in love, value, and acceptance. Nothing else is able to keep us anchored.
The Hope Redefined Support Group was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. It was a safe place to share my emotions with others who were in the same situation. I began to see that all I was feeling was completely normal and began to have hope for healing. By the end of the eight weeks, I felt mostly healed. I went to the Redeemed Hope Retreat to see if there was any more healing needed. Through the retreat, God did an even deeper work and truly restored my hope in Him.
I’m a life changed through this ministry and I’m so thankful for it. Thank you, Lyschel, and the Hope Redefined/ Redeemed Hope team for all you do.
